Crash Diets – Whoops!
Crash Diets Lead to Disaster
When Winnie Ha-Ha flew into Washington DC, she was immediately whisked through customs and given a police escort to a five star hotel in the heart of the city. As Foreign Minister of Bananaville, one of the richest states in Africa, she expected no less.
Arriving at the hotel with her witch-doctor and half a dozen servants, she was met in person by the owner, who took her directly to the VIP suite at the top of the building. Designed for the mega-rich, the suite had it’s own swimming pool and roof-garden, with panoramic views of the surrounding area. It was fabulous, but Winnie hardly noticed: she was far too depressed.
Dismissing the servants, she went outside to the roof garden and started pacing. She paced and she paced and she paced. And the more she paced, the hungrier she got. Soon, all she could think about was burger and chips with lashings of melted cheese. Her mouth started watering at the thought. She could almost see it in front of her: she could almost taste it!Why was she depressed? Because she weighed 250 pounds and her witchdoctor had ordered her to go on a crash diet of grapefruit and lettuce. There was no more roast frog, no more mangoes, no more bread or potatoes, no more anything – except grapefruit and lettuce. It was driving her insane!
Suddenly, just as she reached the end of the path, she trod on a loose grapefruit and skidded towards the edge of the garden, as if on wheels. There was nothing she could do. Like an elephant on blades, she was unstoppable. With a shriek of despair she hurtled over the edge and plummeted 300 feet to the street below, closely pursued by the grapefruit.
Three seconds later, traveling at half the speed of sound, she landed head-first on top of a hot-dog stand which exploded in a hail of half-cooked sausages. This was bad news for the driver of a passing truck, who got a jet-propelled sausage right between his eyes causing him to swerve straight into an oncoming petrol tanker.
The resulting explosion destroyed an entire city block, including “Yellow Rose” – a luxury flower shop, often visited by the President himself. When news of this reached CIA headquarters, it was obvious what had happened – the explosion had been a direct attempt on the President’s life!
From then on, things moved fast. The CIA contacted the FBI who contacted the Pentagon who contacted the National Security Advisor who woke up the President who authorized immediate retaliation.
The security advisor then told the Pentagon who telephoned the Air Force who promptly flattened the Middle East, including Israel, (although this was a mistake), and the world then ran out of oil, which was an even bigger mistake because everyone got very cold and had to go back to the Stone Age.
Crash diets don’t work! Why not? Because they leave us hungry and miserable.
Result? We stop dieting and start bingeing.
So, if you really want to be slim, don’t be a Winnie Ha-Ha! Don’t try to starve yourself into shape. Instead, sit down to a proper meal and fill yourself up with lots of good food.
For example, if Winnie had tucked into a nice slimming meal of spicy lean chicken, boiled potatoes, carrots, broccoli and sweet-corn, followed by low fat ice-cream topped with fruit, she wouldn’t have been depressed and she wouldn’t have given anyone the excuse to blow up the world.