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New Year's Day in Hell

It was New Year's Day in Hell and Lulu, the Devil's mistress, was in a temper. A month ago, she had bought a pair of expensive black leather trousers and now she could hardly fit into them. So she rang Igor, the one-eyed hunchback. 

"Igor, get me some diet advice. I need to lose weight, fast!"

Igor couldn't remember anyone having a weight problem in Hell, at least not in the last 10,000 years. Starvation? Yes. That was quite normal, but overweight? Never. He hadn't a clue where to start so he rang up his friend Doctor Death, who was in his laboratory dissecting newts.

Death knew exactly what to do. 

"It's very simple. If she wants to lose weight, she must eat less food. So put her on a diet of gruel and chopped carrot. That'll get the weight off!" 

He was right, of course. Lulu lost 7 poundsin a fortnight and her trousers fitted her perfectly. Unfortunately, she never got the chance to try them on because she developed boils. Huge, nasty, red boils! Why? Because the lack of food and nutrition in her diet had undermined her immune system leaving her wide open to infection.

Happily, she recovered. But it took weeks for her system to return to normal. What's more, while she was bedridden with her boils, the Devil had run off with another woman. So as soon as Lulu recovered she was dragged off to eternal damnation.

Zora, the Devil's new woman was a cool size 8, but it wasn't long before her lifestyle as Hell's First Lady began to make her fat. Indeed, by the time of the AIDS Celebration Ball in May, she had put on 30 pounds. So she rang Death who arrived clutching a huge book.

"Use this" he said. "It lists all foods together with their calories. Eat anything you like, as long as you limit yourself to about 1000 calories a day." 

Zora was thrilled and for 3 weeks she followed the calorie limit exactly.

She had a cup of tea for breakfast, 3 cookies mid-morning, a pastry and coleslaw for lunch and a small fry-up for tea. It wasn't enough to satisfy her but she gritted her teeth and kept going. Result? She lost 7 pounds. But this weight-loss was strictly short-term. Why? Because she wasn't learning new eating habits. All she was doing was adding up calories. In other words, she wasn't retraining herself to enjoy less fattening foods. She was just eating the same old junk, albeit in smaller quantities.

The crunch came in week 4. On Monday she mislaid the calorie-book and by Tuesday she was eating junk. Result? Within a fortnight she had regained everything she'd lost. Not long afterwards Igor arrived with an axe and chopped off her head. Brutal? Perhaps. But it was Hell, after all.

So girls, if you ever end up in Hell as the Devil's mistress and you need to lose weight, don't bother going on a crash diet and don't depend on counting calories. Because in my experience, neither of these methods work. The only effective way to lose weight for good is to retrain yourself to eat tasty non-fattening foods. It may take a little extra time but it works.

An easy method of doing this, is to stick to foods which are filling but low in fat, like bread, potatoes, rice, pasta, cereal, beans, vegetables, fruit and very lean meat, chicken and fish. Then you can eat awaywithout worrying too much about calories, eternal damnation or Igor the Axe Man.

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